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Urban Telegraph - Where Aussie Culture Gets Urbanised

 
Want to know how well Aussie culture is doing at the moment? Want to know some interesting things about our past? Think Aussie culture needs to start updating itself for a more relevant future? Then this is the place for you. Welcome to The Urban Telegraph.
One of the terror suspects arrested in pre-dawn raids across Melbourne yesterday has spoken of his regret at trusting vital information about the alleged plot he received from Godwin Grech, the public servant at the centre of the 'utegate' affair.

"I should have known his politics was suspect from the start", the accused said in a faked email which Malcolm Turnbull later read to his kids as a bedtime story. "Godwin assured me that our cause would receive favourable treatment, but it seems the whole thing was as fake as the moon landing!"

Central to the accused's accusations was Grech's promise to secure a ute to be used in the attack, provided it could be adorned with Liberal Party advertising. Initially he wanted the debt truck, but that was unavailable as it had been sold to Japan to relieve foreign debt, and a deal had not yet been reached to secure it's lease back.


The story did not end there however, as former US President Bill Clinton visited Grech and posed for a series of photos which were later photoshopped to make Grech look like Kim-Jong Il. In return for this, Grech secured a favourable deal on a rental car for Mr Clinton, who didn't like taking his chances in a tough rental car market.

The terror suspect will be sentenced in due course.

Mr Grech has already been sentenced by Mr Turnbull to a 5 year term as Liberal Party scapegoat.

Mr Turnbull was half way through a sentence when he realised he couldn't trust himself to finish it without looking back at the fake email from which it was taken.
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Swan: "Prepare for budget pain!"

May 13th 2009 03:02
wayne swan
the most popular man in australia?


The federal treasurer, Wayne Swan, has confirmed the worst fears of many commentators when he announced during his budget speech that, so bad was the current economic climate, that the nation could no longer afford to have a treasurer.


"My wage is now beyond the modest reach of the tax income that we can expect from Australian working families", he said. "More to the point, as less and less Australian families are 'working' in the first place, my situation is becoming increasingly untenable, as I can hardly pitch my budget to 'centrelink families', can i?"

Swan continued to say that given the scarcity of funds, the only option was to have a reality TV show where each week, as well as aiming to lose the most kilograms, contestants would also compete to manage the national budget in the most fiscally responsible manner.

While details of the constestants identities were a closely guarded secret, celebrity chef Ian Hewitson was rumoured to be amongst the prospective candidates. Past contestants from the show 'ready, steady, cook' were apparently also being sought by Swan for their proven expertise in planning to a budget.

Opposition MP's were generally sceptical of the hair-brained scheme, although Malcolm Turnbull did give it a favourable review in his TV Week column.

"If Mr Swan has correctly summed up the mood of the nation, this show could be a ratings winner", wrote Turnbull. "It would also be interesting to see what Hewitson could cook for the average family with the limited range of ingredients provided, as cooking on a small budget has always been a particular interest of mine"

The budget will continue to be displayed in a glass case alongside the former Tasmanian independant MP, Brian Harradine, for the remainder of the week. Recipe suggestions for the show can be sent by carrier pigeon directly to parliament house in Canberra, as Mr Swan no longer employs anyone to read his emails.
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Pope Benedict, currently touring Africa with John Farnham for what 'the voice' claims will "definitely" be his last farewell tour, has stirred up controversy once more by insisting that condom usage is the primary factor behind the current global financial crisis.

"This is a true crisis of confidence", his holiness exclaimed in 17 different languages! "If we are to avert a repeat of the great depression of the 1930s, we must stop condom usage in Africa altogether. "The real problem here is that for every condom used, a potential Catholic taxpayer is not born, and this is a great threat to the Catholic tradition of large families."

Federal shadow minister for Catholicism, Tony Abbott, echoed the Pope's call, claiming that if there was not an immediate stop to the usage of condoms in Africa, it could result in a dramatic increase in STI's and unwanted pregnancy across the ccontinent. The only way to curb this disturbing trend, he told the Pope in a boozy late-night confession, was to remove condoms from the picture altogether in the hope people may then abstein from frequenting any place where they may find someone of the opposite sex.

Anarchist historians, however, have pointed out the vital flaw in the Pope's argument, which is that the whole "Jesus thing" would not have happened had it not been for an unexpected pregnancy.

Upon hearing this, the Pope dressed himself up in a giant inflatable condom and refused to take any further questions from the media for fear of impregnating himself.

Tickets for his 'foot in mouth' 'tour of Africa are still available from selected outlets.
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US President Barack Obama has finally broken his silence on one of the most pressing issues of our time: Oprah Winfrey's battle to shed her extra weight.

In a revealing late-night phonecall, Obama spoke to Winfrey at length about her problems and then had an equally lengthy conversation with Winfrey's best friend, bitching about Oprah and questioning her inability to "just get over herself


[ Click here to read more ]
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Obama: "moon landing was fake!"

December 8th 2008 23:38

U.S President elect Barack Obama today confirmed what conspiracy theorists worldwide have been saying for years: The 1969 moon landing never actually happened! Without giving away too many details, Obama nonetheless hinted that Stanley Kubrick was in fact responsible for the footage of the 'landing', with renowned adult film star Dirk Diggler playing the part of Neil Armstrong.

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1 year on, what has Rudd Achieved?

November 28th 2008 04:58
It is now over one year since the Australian electorate chose to send John Howard packing as a result of his continued failure to break into the Australian Test Cricket team. In his place they elected the Bollywood Heartthrob Kevin ‘07’ Rudd. In this exclusive interview with the PM, Urban Telegraph asks him to reflect on the achievements of his first year in power.

Urban Telegraph: Kevin Rudd, thanks for being here. How is everything at the moment


[ Click here to read more ]
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jaws shark
"they don't make dentists like they used to"


I have not seen my dentist in some years now. To be honest, I saw him increasingly poorly anyway after I stopped visiting the optometrist... but that's another story. What I mean to say is that I suffer from 'orthodontophobia' - which, for the uninitiated, is the fear of visiting the dentist


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Bert Newton's shock confession

November 5th 2008 01:11
bert newton


There were chaotic scenes in the birdcage at Flemington yesterday, and it had nothing to do with the horse racing, Snoop Dogg, or even a much-hoped-for Jennifer Hawkins wardrobe Malfunction. It was in fact that erstwhile veteran of Australian TV, Bert Newton who was responsible for the choas


[ Click here to read more ]
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The normally quiet streets of suburban Kew in leafy inner Melbourne have this week become the latest battlefield in the ongoing war between out-of-control teenagers and the stabilising forces of conservative Australian society. In what can only be described as vandalism of the highest order, and a deliberate provocation of ordinary, law-abiding citizens, these teenage students from the prestigious Xavier College carried out a campaign of violent intimidation as shocked nearby residents looked on in fear.

[ Click here to read more ]
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Here is a little quiz to see whether you really know your stuff when it comes to the current global economic situation.

1. The 'credit crunch' is


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