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Urban Telegraph - Where Aussie Culture Gets Urbanised

Want to know how well Aussie culture is doing at the moment? Want to know some interesting things about our past? Think Aussie culture needs to start updating itself for a more relevant future? Then this is the place for you. Welcome to The Urban Telegraph.

Urban Telegraph

global financial crisis - how much do you know?

October 8th 2008 05:51

Here is a little quiz to see whether you really know your stuff when it comes to the current global economic situation.

1. The 'credit crunch' is
a) technology related to the manufacture of potato chips
b) a sit up performed by someone else on your behalf
c) a move sometimes performed during the act of snatching a handbag
d) the sound made when you eat your bankcard in the vague hope it may help you escape your spiraling debts.

2. Ensuring liquidity in the banking system refers to
a) addressing concerns that there may not be enough booze for the executives Christmas party

b) leaving a note for the tea lady to the effect that if you find lumps in your coffee one more time, she can find another job.
c) hiring a plumber to fix the broken tap in the bank's tea room.
d) maintaining the ability of banks to piss on consumers.

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six feet under, and still addicted to facebook!

September 23rd 2008 04:21

I'm not dead yet!

As we get older, many of us are inclined to think about death more often than when we were young and invincible. When thinking about death of course, many are often tempted to consider their legacy, or how they will be remembered. Enter Peter Gabriel who, not content with the legacy he has left us through his musical work, has decided to allow us to have a certain degree of control over how we are remembered in death.

Essentially Gabriel's plan appears to be some kind of facebook-like social networking system that we can construct in such a way that it will continue to display pre-programmed messages after our death. Perfect for the bereft husband who you just know will forget to put the bins out on Tuesday nights, or for that gentle nudge he may require to get off his fat, lazy arse, put down his beer and feed the bloody cat!

There is no doubt that this kind of system may have a certain usefulness for those of us who just can't drop dead because what would Martha think if you missed her birthday? Now you can happily kick the bucket, secure in the knowledge that your message of support will safely reach her computer. Yes, Martha has been deaf and blind for the last 3 years and has never touched a computer in her life, but it is after all the thought that counts. There are other practical uses too, such as the ability to send out gentle reminders to your friends that it may be about time they dropped by with some flowers again. You could even pre-record messages to your in-laws, finally free to tell them what you really thought of the old dragon, and assure them that all those years you bought little Jimmy those lovely soaps for Christmas, the idea was that one day he might actually USE them!

To be truly effective, there would of course need to be some kind of ability for data input into this system. For example, you could have the footy scores fed through in order that you may be able to share in the fact that your team, which had not won the flag in 92 years, suddenly decided to do so the year after your death.

However, while coupled with existing technology, this concept may seem like a bit of a harmless gimmick, should the accmpanying technology improve dramatically, it is not impossible to imagine this as a big-brother type tool of social control. Perhaps it could be programmed to recognise the growing pile of dishes in the sink and a hologram image of yourself would periodically appear in front of the TV (say, every time his team was poised to have a shot on goal) until the offending dishes were cleared! Alternatively, it could be put to more disturbing uses, such as combing your partner's inbox for evidence that they were moving on, then sending him or her guilt-inducing messages.

Not many of us welcome the idea of suddenly ceasing to exist - just ask Walt Disney! But although tools like this may seem like a great way to be remembered after your death, the fallibility of human memory should not warrant its replacement with a mechanical memory unless we are willing to risk losing one of the unique traits that makes us who we are.

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Posted By: damian - Category: General

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Peter Costello Bares All - an exclusive interview

September 14th 2008 12:35

Damian: Peter, thanks for talking to me.

Peter: Just to get this straight, if I do this interview you’ll move your tent from my front lawn and stop using my morning papers as firewood?

Damian: Consider it a deal. Now I know there’s been a lot of speculation in the media recently about whether you still harbour ambitions to lead the Liberal party. Without wanting to flog a dead horse too much, can you just confirm exactly where you stand on that issue?

P: Well as it happens, when little Johnny was PM, I saw a number of horses flogged that were already very much deceased.After the sedition laws were passed, you should have seen it. ASIO was full of these dead horses, just waiting to be flogged. You see, the CIA had this theory that Osama Bin Laden was actually in Australia disguised as a horse, and little Johnny was determined to prove his national security credentials by exposing him.

D: I see, but you haven’t quite answered my question about leadership.

P: Oh yes, well let me say that I categorically reserve the right not to rule out the possibility that I will never be leader of the Liberal party.

D: You can’t be absolutely certain though?

P: When I wrote the book I was certain.

D: And what about now?

P: Can’t remember, to be honest. It’s that long since I wrote the bloody thing.

D: You can’t remember?

P: Well I can’t remember everything, can I? After all, I figured it wasn’t important that I remember it since it’s written down in the book.

D: But what if you change your mind before the book gets released?

P: I never change my mind, it’s bad policy. Anyway, I make a point of always forgetting these things in case I have to change my policy later on.

D: I thought you just said you never changed your mind? Doesn’t changing a policy effectively constitute changing your mind?

P: Not at all, in politics you always have to reserve the right to alter your policy according to the particular situation at the time.

D: So you could therefore challenge for the leadership if the particular situation at the time dictated that to be the best course of action?

P: Well I’ve just checked the book and it’s pretty categorical in its denial of any intention in that regard.

D: But what about now, is the situation any different from when you wrote the book?

P: Mate, it’s here in the book in black and white. I, Peter Costello, have no intention of challenging for the Liberal leadership.

D: So why are you staying on in parliament if you’ve made it clear that you want to leave and you don’t want to lead the party?

P: I have said categorically that I have no intention of running for the leadership. It says so in the book. However if the situation changes subsequent to the book’s publication, I reserve the right to alter my decision to reflect the circumstances at the time.

D: Peter, thanks. It’s been very insightful.

P: It has? But… I mean, you’ll still buy the book, won’t you?

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Iemma resigns, Bradman tipped to take his place.

September 5th 2008 04:01

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If you were an Olympian would you speak up about China?

August 26th 2008 03:30

"Free Tibet!"

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"is that a lamppost in your pocket?"

August 22nd 2008 07:57

I sit, trembling in front of my computer screen. It should be the simplest task. All I have to do is click the mouse and open my inbox, but I physically can't seem to do it. Ok, maybe that's a lie. I do have ten working fingers, but right now they simply don't want to co-operate. How has it got to this stage, you might ask

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The true history of sport

August 7th 2008 03:21

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neighbours: trashy soap or pure genius?

July 30th 2008 03:18

When it comes to producing quality, hard-hitting Television drama, Australia does not enjoy a significant reputation on the world stage. While some may think this ignores the contribution of shows such as the critically acclaimed – though short-lived – MDA, or groundbreaking shows such as Brides of Christ, the reality is these shows haven’t succeeded internationally. Indeed, many locally-produced dramas struggle to compete even for an Australian audience with slick, often surprisingly complex international shows.

US cable channel HBO has led the way with shows such as Oz, The Sopranos and Six Feet Under, and there are a variety of other US and UK-produced medical, legal and police dramas on offer every night of the week. In fact, so complete is the devastation of our local TV industry that we even have to import shows such as the New Zealand ‘reality’ police drama Road Patrol. The one episode that I saw of this show stands out in my mind, not for someone going on a car-crushing rampage in a tank or something similarly exciting, but for one particularly callous and carefree Kiwi hoon who was pulled over by the police for going at 40 k’s an hour on the freeway. Well, bugger me with a broom handle! If this isn’t scraping the bottom of the barrel, I don’t know what is

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wedding bliss, or something amiss? (part 3)

July 23rd 2008 11:35

In the final installment of this post I look at ways you can wed on the cheap but still make it a memorable occasion (and no, you don't have to end up shagging a bridesmaid for this to be possible).

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wedding bliss, or something amiss? (part 2)

July 23rd 2008 02:16

And so it was that poor Mr Smith resigned himself to a life of flower arrangement, but his legacy was to live on as wedding arrangements became increasingly extravagant and complex (though the concept of giving half a cow was soon replaced by the now traditional engagement ring!).

As the glitz and glamour of weddings increased, so too did the associated cost as couples tried to outdo one another. First the wedding cake was introduced, but soon your standard cake was considered somewhat passe and the two-tiered cake was introduced. Before long some weddings came complete with cakes three stories high, with strippers jumping out left, right and centre! Next came the introduction of the official wedding photographs, which saw couples engaging in fierce bidding wars to secure the services of the best photographer. Yet not only must you have the best photographer, you must be seen to have the best photographer. So couples began hiring photographers to take photos of the photographer taking photos of them

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October 2008

1 Posts