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Urban Telegraph - Where Aussie Culture Gets Urbanised

 
Want to know how well Aussie culture is doing at the moment? Want to know some interesting things about our past? Think Aussie culture needs to start updating itself for a more relevant future? Then this is the place for you. Welcome to The Urban Telegraph.

Urban Telegraph - September 2008

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I'm not dead yet!



As we get older, many of us are inclined to think about death more often than when we were young and invincible. When thinking about death of course, many are often tempted to consider their legacy, or how they will be remembered. Enter Peter Gabriel who, not content with the legacy he has left us through his musical work, has decided to allow us to have a certain degree of control over how we are remembered in death.


Essentially Gabriel's plan appears to be some kind of facebook-like social networking system that we can construct in such a way that it will continue to display pre-programmed messages after our death. Perfect for the bereft husband who you just know will forget to put the bins out on Tuesday nights, or for that gentle nudge he may require to get off his fat, lazy arse, put down his beer and feed the bloody cat!

There is no doubt that this kind of system may have a certain usefulness for those of us who just can't drop dead because what would Martha think if you missed her birthday? Now you can happily kick the bucket, secure in the knowledge that your message of support will safely reach her computer. Yes, Martha has been deaf and blind for the last 3 years and has never touched a computer in her life, but it is after all the thought that counts. There are other practical uses too, such as the ability to send out gentle reminders to your friends that it may be about time they dropped by with some flowers again. You could even pre-record messages to your in-laws, finally free to tell them what you really thought of the old dragon, and assure them that all those years you bought little Jimmy those lovely soaps for Christmas, the idea was that one day he might actually USE them!


To be truly effective, there would of course need to be some kind of ability for data input into this system. For example, you could have the footy scores fed through in order that you may be able to share in the fact that your team, which had not won the flag in 92 years, suddenly decided to do so the year after your death.

However, while coupled with existing technology, this concept may seem like a bit of a harmless gimmick, should the accmpanying technology improve dramatically, it is not impossible to imagine this as a big-brother type tool of social control. Perhaps it could be programmed to recognise the growing pile of dishes in the sink and a hologram image of yourself would periodically appear in front of the TV (say, every time his team was poised to have a shot on goal) until the offending dishes were cleared! Alternatively, it could be put to more disturbing uses, such as combing your partner's inbox for evidence that they were moving on, then sending him or her guilt-inducing messages.

Not many of us welcome the idea of suddenly ceasing to exist - just ask Walt Disney! But although tools like this may seem like a great way to be remembered after your death, the fallibility of human memory should not warrant its replacement with a mechanical memory unless we are willing to risk losing one of the unique traits that makes us who we are.
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costello flasher



Damian: Peter, thanks for talking to me.

Peter: Just to get this straight, if I do this interview you’ll move your tent from my front lawn and stop using my morning papers as firewood?

Damian: Consider it a deal. Now I know there’s been a lot of speculation in the media recently about whether you still harbour ambitions to lead the Liberal party. Without wanting to flog a dead horse too much, can you just confirm exactly where you stand on that issue?

P: Well as it happens, when little Johnny was PM, I saw a number of horses flogged that were already very much deceased.After the sedition laws were passed, you should have seen it. ASIO was full of these dead horses, just waiting to be flogged. You see, the CIA had this theory that Osama Bin Laden was actually in Australia disguised as a horse, and little Johnny was determined to prove his national security credentials by exposing him.

D: I see, but you haven’t quite answered my question about leadership.

P: Oh yes, well let me say that I categorically reserve the right not to rule out the possibility that I will never be leader of the Liberal party.

D: You can’t be absolutely certain though?

P: When I wrote the book I was certain.

D: And what about now?

P: Can’t remember, to be honest. It’s that long since I wrote the bloody thing.

D: You can’t remember?

P: Well I can’t remember everything, can I? After all, I figured it wasn’t important that I remember it since it’s written down in the book.

D: But what if you change your mind before the book gets released?

P: I never change my mind, it’s bad policy. Anyway, I make a point of always forgetting these things in case I have to change my policy later on.

D: I thought you just said you never changed your mind? Doesn’t changing a policy effectively constitute changing your mind?

P: Not at all, in politics you always have to reserve the right to alter your policy according to the particular situation at the time.

D: So you could therefore challenge for the leadership if the particular situation at the time dictated that to be the best course of action?

P: Well I’ve just checked the book and it’s pretty categorical in its denial of any intention in that regard.

D: But what about now, is the situation any different from when you wrote the book?

P: Mate, it’s here in the book in black and white. I, Peter Costello, have no intention of challenging for the Liberal leadership.

D: So why are you staying on in parliament if you’ve made it clear that you want to leave and you don’t want to lead the party?

P: I have said categorically that I have no intention of running for the leadership. It says so in the book. However if the situation changes subsequent to the book’s publication, I reserve the right to alter my decision to reflect the circumstances at the time.

D: Peter, thanks. It’s been very insightful.

P: It has? But… I mean, you’ll still buy the book, won’t you?
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morris iemma


NSW Premier, Morris Iemma has finally succumbed to mounting pressure from within his party to stand aside, rather than face a leadership challenge that was almost certain to succeed.
Iemma's power privatisation plans had raised the ire of many unionists and influential members of his own party; such was the unpopularity of the plan that Iemma effectively became a lame duck and was rendered virtually impotent in terms of wielding sufficient influence within the party to maintain his grip on power.

The biggest question for the Labor party now is exactly who will be a suitable candidate to take his place. It is certainly not a job for the faint-hearted, as the Iemma government has faced a series of hurdles over the past few years which have seriously dented its popularity. Nonetheless, a replacement must be found, so with that in mind I run an eye over some of the men and women who could potentially step into the breach.

*DON BRADMAN

Yes, the Don has been dead for some time now, but many would argue that, even in death, Bradman would be able to achieve more than has been accomplished by Iemma in the past few years. Being the centenary year of his birth, it also represents a fantastic opportunity to really honour the greatest Australian of the 20th century, and provide ongoing employment for those who struggle to make their living cashing in on his legacy.

*MILTON ORKOPOLOUS

Poor Milton, all he did was allegedly lure some teenage boys into performing sexual acts by plying them with drugs. At least now he should have very few distractions for the next few years, meaning he would be able to dedicate himself fully to the position.

*JOHN DELLA BOSCA

What better way for Della Bosca to cap off his lazarus-like comeback to the frontbench than with a promotion to the top job. He would be just the man to keep Sydney's notoriously troublesome nightclub precincts in line, and being married to a federal MP would help federal-state relations enourmously.

*BRETT LEE

With the resources boom in WA firing up the economy over that side of the country, the poor old eastern states have been almost playing second fiddle. With Lee's profile in India sure to generate investment from their rapidly expanding middle class, he could be just the man to put NSW back on the map. He could even commission a Bollywood version of Iemma's downfall to be played to all politics students in NSW schools - a modernisation of "The Dismissal" if you like.

*STEVE WAUGH

Australian cricket captain, father of the year, Australian Olympic team motivational guru (or something like that) in Beijing... Premier is the logical next step.

*RUSSELL CROWE

The NSW telecommunications industry is in dire need of a shake-up, and with his expertise in this field, Rusty could be just the man for the job.
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