Urban Telegraph - Where Aussie Culture Gets Urbanised

Want to know how well Aussie culture is doing at the moment? Want to know some interesting things about our past? Think Aussie culture needs to start updating itself for a more relevant future? Then this is the place for you. Welcome to The Urban Telegraph.

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Urban Telegraph - November 2008

1 year on, what has Rudd Achieved?

November 28th 2008 04:58

It is now over one year since the Australian electorate chose to send John Howard packing as a result of his continued failure to break into the Australian Test Cricket team. In his place they elected the Bollywood Heartthrob Kevin ‘07’ Rudd. In this exclusive interview with the PM, Urban Telegraph asks him to reflect on the achievements of his first year in power.

Urban Telegraph: Kevin Rudd, thanks for being here. How is everything at the moment?

Kevin Rudd: Well there’s no doubt that we’re in difficult economic times. Rest assured though, the economy is in good hands. With myself and Wayne Swan at the helm, we will steer this country through these troubled waters.

UT: Well sailing may be one thing, Mr Rudd, but surely there are more important matters deserving your attention, such as the continuing dramas surrounding the Australian Test Cricket team.

KR: Yes, well I can say that they are performing an excellent service for this country under difficult circumstances.

UT: Mr Rudd, in India they did not win a test.

KR: Well, India is a vital trading partner of ours and if we are to emerge relatively unscathed from this current economic turmoil, it will be due to the strength of our relationship with emerging economies such as China and India.

UT: Prime Minister, I wish you would stay on topic here. I’m trying to ask you serious questions about what has been achieved in the past year. Because while we may have beaten New Zealand, it was not altogether a convincing victory, let’s be honest. And as for our selection policy… what do you make of that; do you have confidence in the board?

KR: Yes, I agree that in these uncertain times we must select the best people for the job. Personally, I have complete confidence in Glenn Stevens and the entire board of the reserve bank and feel they are appropriately equipped with the necessary expertise to negotiate this current economic climate.

UT: But Mr Rudd, surely you don’t mean to say that you support this ‘horses for courses’ attitude?

KR: Well, I think it is self-evident that the situation here is different to the situation overseas. You mentioned India before, and it is certainly true that India as an emerging nation will experience the credit crunch in a different manner from Australia, or England, or for that matter the United States.

UT: The United States? Are you serious? Did you see how badly they fared when they actually made it into the World Cup? Let me ask you honestly, Prime Minister, do you know anything about cricket?

KR: “Cricket”? Don’t you mean to say “credit”?

UT: You’re a disgrace to this country.

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Great Aussie ideas #523: online dentistry

November 11th 2008 01:39

"they don't make dentists like they used to"

I have not seen my dentist in some years now. To be honest, I saw him increasingly poorly anyway after I stopped visiting the optometrist... but that's another story. What I mean to say is that I suffer from 'orthodontophobia' - which, for the uninitiated, is the fear of visiting the dentist.

Now please don't get me wrong, I do value my teeth and have no intention of ending up with my mouth looking like a scene from Jules Verne's Journey to the Centre of the Earth. Nonetheless, I just can't bring myself to face up to Dr Teeth and his vast array of shiny instruments. It's not that I'm scared by surgical implements really, but let me tell you I've lost count of the number of times I've ended up watching Gardening Australia curled in the foetal position while Peter Cundall craps on mercilessly about the virtues of pine needles. I mean, seriously... we have psychological screening for the priesthood, yet we willingly give any sociopath and his (or her) dog carte blanche to pass themselves off as a dentist! Alarm bells are ringing, Willy! As they say in the classics.

I once knew of someone who had not been to visit his dentist in five years. At first he thought he had escaped, but then the phonecalls started. He disconnected the phone, and for a while he found some respite, but then they started calling his mobile. By now the poor guy was in such a state he ended up spending his days crouched in a corner, gnawing on old Elvis Presley vinyls. Finally, one day they came for him. They beamed him up into their spaceship and flew him on a 'black flight' to a country where the definition of 'dentistry' was even murkier than it is here.

So, given the parlous state of dentistry in this country, I have come up with a good old-fashioned Aussie brainwave. You can now have the teeth you always dreamed of, while still keeping your dentist at arm's length. Yes, that's right, the solution is online dentistry!

Now i know that the naysayers amongst you will point out that for a dentist to be of any benefit to your teeth, it would necessarily involve him coming into direct physical contact with your mouth at some stage. Of course, that's what they want you to think! This solution, however, negates any need for some so-called 'dentist' to even come remotely within stabbing distance of your precious pearly whites.

Basically it works like this: you go to the online dentistry website and describe your symptoms, and within 1-2 working days you receive a response outlining the most effective method of treatment for your particular ailment. Then - and here is the really ingenious bit - you go back to the website and select who you would like to perform the procedure. The choices are currently limited to 'Johnno the handyman'; 'your best mate, Davo'; 'French maid'; 'Don Bradman lookalike' and 'lonely housewife', but I envisage adding more to the list once the service takes off. Of course, there is not a dentist in sight, but in a bid to gain some sort of legitimacy in the eyes of the AMA, I have decided to include 'naughty dental nurse'.

Having selected your preferred technician, you then select a time of your convenience for them to come and perform the procedure in the comfort of your own home. All the technicians have been trained to display the utmost degree of professionalism and to put you completely at ease before going about their work. For example, 'Davo' will come and have a couple of beers with you in front of the footy, before raiding your kitchen utensil draw to find the most appropriate implements with which to perform the procedure. You will barely even notice that it's not your own best mate having a crack at your chompers after a big night on the sauce!

Similarly, the 'lonely housewife' will come over and... well, you get the idea.

Aussie ingenuity at it's best, I reckon!

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Bert Newton's shock confession

November 5th 2008 01:11

There were chaotic scenes in the birdcage at Flemington yesterday, and it had nothing to do with the horse racing, Snoop Dogg, or even a much-hoped-for Jennifer Hawkins wardrobe Malfunction. It was in fact that erstwhile veteran of Australian TV, Bert Newton who was responsible for the choas.

While in conversation with Dr Katrina Warren, herself an erstwhile veterinarian of Australian TV, Newton accidentally let slip the horrific truth that his hair was not his own. Dr Warren, disbelieving Bert's confession and convinced he had misspoken, then proceeded to conduct her own investigation into the affair. Through positive reinforcement training involving the use of Bert's favourite treats, she persuaded him to roll over on the floor, whereupon she began tugging violently at the toupee.

Bert's wife, Patti, who had been in the birdcage disguised as former Melbourne Cup winner Doriemus, immediately raced to her husband's aid (winning by a nose in a photo finish). Finding Dr Warren triumphantly waving the hairpiece above her head, Patti called in celebrity stylist Carson Cressley to adjudicate on the authenticity of the hair. After thorough scientific investigation, Cressley found that Newton was not in fact gay, but could nonetheless do with adding a bit more colour to his wardrobe.

"What about the hair?" Asked Robert "Millsy" Mills, never one to beat around the bush. Upon hearing this comment, Snoop Dogg suddenly entered the fray to confront Millsy. Mistakenly believing Mills was referring to former Australian Cricket umpire, Daryl Hair, Mr Dogg embarked on a passionate defence of Muttiah Muralitharan's action and accused both Millsy and umpire Hair of being racist. Mr Dogg warned Millsy that should he make a similarly racist comment in the future, he would "put a cap in yo' ass", while scanning the birdcage for a suitable fascinator with which to carry out this threat.

"Get on with it!" Yelled Jennifer Hawkins, as she continued to rain heavy blows on Megan Gale (the judges later awarded the bout to Gale 15-13 in a controversial points decision, leading some commentators to speculate on the fairness of having members of the David Jones board on the judging panel).

Finally the results of the forensic testing arrived back from the lab and it was determined that the hair did not technically originate from beneath the scalp of Newton. In fact, it was comprised of numerous strands taken from unsuccessful contestants on Bert's family feud, interwoven with fine Chinese silk. However, in a nod to the influence upon Bert of the bald Federal Environment Minister, Peter Garrett, it was noted that the contestants were allowed to roam free for a minimum of two hours each day and were fed a gluten free diet.

Her curiosity now satisfied, Dr Warren gave Bert a bone to gnaw on for being such a good boy during the whole ordeal, before marching off to confront Kerry Stokes over the axing of Harry's Practice.

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