damianPope blames financial crisis on condom use
March 20th 2009 07:54
Pope Benedict, currently touring Africa with John Farnham for what 'the voice' claims will "definitely" be his last farewell tour, has stirred up controversy once more by insisting that condom usage is the primary factor behind the current global financial crisis.
"This is a true crisis of confidence", his holiness exclaimed in 17 different languages! "If we are to avert a repeat of the great depression of the 1930s, we must stop condom usage in Africa altogether. "The real problem here is that for every condom used, a potential Catholic taxpayer is not born, and this is a great threat to the Catholic tradition of large families."
Federal shadow minister for Catholicism, Tony Abbott, echoed the Pope's call, claiming that if there was not an immediate stop to the usage of condoms in Africa, it could result in a dramatic increase in STI's and unwanted pregnancy across the ccontinent. The only way to curb this disturbing trend, he told the Pope in a boozy late-night confession, was to remove condoms from the picture altogether in the hope people may then abstein from frequenting any place where they may find someone of the opposite sex.
Anarchist historians, however, have pointed out the vital flaw in the Pope's argument, which is that the whole "Jesus thing" would not have happened had it not been for an unexpected pregnancy.
Upon hearing this, the Pope dressed himself up in a giant inflatable condom and refused to take any further questions from the media for fear of impregnating himself.
Tickets for his 'foot in mouth' 'tour of Africa are still available from selected outlets.
"This is a true crisis of confidence", his holiness exclaimed in 17 different languages! "If we are to avert a repeat of the great depression of the 1930s, we must stop condom usage in Africa altogether. "The real problem here is that for every condom used, a potential Catholic taxpayer is not born, and this is a great threat to the Catholic tradition of large families."
Federal shadow minister for Catholicism, Tony Abbott, echoed the Pope's call, claiming that if there was not an immediate stop to the usage of condoms in Africa, it could result in a dramatic increase in STI's and unwanted pregnancy across the ccontinent. The only way to curb this disturbing trend, he told the Pope in a boozy late-night confession, was to remove condoms from the picture altogether in the hope people may then abstein from frequenting any place where they may find someone of the opposite sex.
Anarchist historians, however, have pointed out the vital flaw in the Pope's argument, which is that the whole "Jesus thing" would not have happened had it not been for an unexpected pregnancy.
Upon hearing this, the Pope dressed himself up in a giant inflatable condom and refused to take any further questions from the media for fear of impregnating himself.
Tickets for his 'foot in mouth' 'tour of Africa are still available from selected outlets.
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