damianBert Newton's shock confession
November 5th 2008 01:11
There were chaotic scenes in the birdcage at Flemington yesterday, and it had nothing to do with the horse racing, Snoop Dogg, or even a much-hoped-for Jennifer Hawkins wardrobe Malfunction. It was in fact that erstwhile veteran of Australian TV, Bert Newton who was responsible for the choas.
While in conversation with Dr Katrina Warren, herself an erstwhile veterinarian of Australian TV, Newton accidentally let slip the horrific truth that his hair was not his own. Dr Warren, disbelieving Bert's confession and convinced he had misspoken, then proceeded to conduct her own investigation into the affair. Through positive reinforcement training involving the use of Bert's favourite treats, she persuaded him to roll over on the floor, whereupon she began tugging violently at the toupee.
Bert's wife, Patti, who had been in the birdcage disguised as former Melbourne Cup winner Doriemus, immediately raced to her husband's aid (winning by a nose in a photo finish). Finding Dr Warren triumphantly waving the hairpiece above her head, Patti called in celebrity stylist Carson Cressley to adjudicate on the authenticity of the hair. After thorough scientific investigation, Cressley found that Newton was not in fact gay, but could nonetheless do with adding a bit more colour to his wardrobe.
"What about the hair?" Asked Robert "Millsy" Mills, never one to beat around the bush. Upon hearing this comment, Snoop Dogg suddenly entered the fray to confront Millsy. Mistakenly believing Mills was referring to former Australian Cricket umpire, Daryl Hair, Mr Dogg embarked on a passionate defence of Muttiah Muralitharan's action and accused both Millsy and umpire Hair of being racist. Mr Dogg warned Millsy that should he make a similarly racist comment in the future, he would "put a cap in yo' ass", while scanning the birdcage for a suitable fascinator with which to carry out this threat.
"Get on with it!" Yelled Jennifer Hawkins, as she continued to rain heavy blows on Megan Gale (the judges later awarded the bout to Gale 15-13 in a controversial points decision, leading some commentators to speculate on the fairness of having members of the David Jones board on the judging panel).
Finally the results of the forensic testing arrived back from the lab and it was determined that the hair did not technically originate from beneath the scalp of Newton. In fact, it was comprised of numerous strands taken from unsuccessful contestants on Bert's family feud, interwoven with fine Chinese silk. However, in a nod to the influence upon Bert of the bald Federal Environment Minister, Peter Garrett, it was noted that the contestants were allowed to roam free for a minimum of two hours each day and were fed a gluten free diet.
Her curiosity now satisfied, Dr Warren gave Bert a bone to gnaw on for being such a good boy during the whole ordeal, before marching off to confront Kerry Stokes over the axing of Harry's Practice.
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Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Ian "Turps" Turpie is my source.
Comment by damian
Urban Telegraph
Sports and All
The Squirter McGee Diaries
Ah yes, who could forget 'Turps'. In fact, I used to get on the turps quite frequently. He asked me very nicely to get off so I obliged, but not before extricating every piece of showbiz-related gossip I could.