damianGreat Aussie ideas #523: online dentistry
November 11th 2008 01:39
"they don't make dentists like they used to"
I have not seen my dentist in some years now. To be honest, I saw him increasingly poorly anyway after I stopped visiting the optometrist... but that's another story. What I mean to say is that I suffer from 'orthodontophobia' - which, for the uninitiated, is the fear of visiting the dentist.
Now please don't get me wrong, I do value my teeth and have no intention of ending up with my mouth looking like a scene from Jules Verne's Journey to the Centre of the Earth. Nonetheless, I just can't bring myself to face up to Dr Teeth and his vast array of shiny instruments. It's not that I'm scared by surgical implements really, but let me tell you I've lost count of the number of times I've ended up watching Gardening Australia curled in the foetal position while Peter Cundall craps on mercilessly about the virtues of pine needles. I mean, seriously... we have psychological screening for the priesthood, yet we willingly give any sociopath and his (or her) dog carte blanche to pass themselves off as a dentist! Alarm bells are ringing, Willy! As they say in the classics.
I once knew of someone who had not been to visit his dentist in five years. At first he thought he had escaped, but then the phonecalls started. He disconnected the phone, and for a while he found some respite, but then they started calling his mobile. By now the poor guy was in such a state he ended up spending his days crouched in a corner, gnawing on old Elvis Presley vinyls. Finally, one day they came for him. They beamed him up into their spaceship and flew him on a 'black flight' to a country where the definition of 'dentistry' was even murkier than it is here.
So, given the parlous state of dentistry in this country, I have come up with a good old-fashioned Aussie brainwave. You can now have the teeth you always dreamed of, while still keeping your dentist at arm's length. Yes, that's right, the solution is online dentistry!
Now i know that the naysayers amongst you will point out that for a dentist to be of any benefit to your teeth, it would necessarily involve him coming into direct physical contact with your mouth at some stage. Of course, that's what they want you to think! This solution, however, negates any need for some so-called 'dentist' to even come remotely within stabbing distance of your precious pearly whites.
Basically it works like this: you go to the online dentistry website and describe your symptoms, and within 1-2 working days you receive a response outlining the most effective method of treatment for your particular ailment. Then - and here is the really ingenious bit - you go back to the website and select who you would like to perform the procedure. The choices are currently limited to 'Johnno the handyman'; 'your best mate, Davo'; 'French maid'; 'Don Bradman lookalike' and 'lonely housewife', but I envisage adding more to the list once the service takes off. Of course, there is not a dentist in sight, but in a bid to gain some sort of legitimacy in the eyes of the AMA, I have decided to include 'naughty dental nurse'.
Having selected your preferred technician, you then select a time of your convenience for them to come and perform the procedure in the comfort of your own home. All the technicians have been trained to display the utmost degree of professionalism and to put you completely at ease before going about their work. For example, 'Davo' will come and have a couple of beers with you in front of the footy, before raiding your kitchen utensil draw to find the most appropriate implements with which to perform the procedure. You will barely even notice that it's not your own best mate having a crack at your chompers after a big night on the sauce!
Similarly, the 'lonely housewife' will come over and... well, you get the idea.
Aussie ingenuity at it's best, I reckon!
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Comment by Norm
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Comment by damian
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The Squirter McGee Diaries
maybe I could extend the concept a bit further and have a 'backyard blitz'-style reality show where all your mates come around and chip in to get you champing at the bit again... or is that biting at the champ?
Comment by Anonymous