damianObama: "moon landing was fake!"
December 8th 2008 23:38
U.S President elect Barack Obama today confirmed what conspiracy theorists worldwide have been saying for years: The 1969 moon landing never actually happened! Without giving away too many details, Obama nonetheless hinted that Stanley Kubrick was in fact responsible for the footage of the 'landing', with renowned adult film star Dirk Diggler playing the part of Neil Armstrong.
When contacted for comment, George W. Bush claimed to know nothing about this apparent conspiracy, and said that the mission to the Moon had been about spreading peace and democracy, as well as being a pre-emptive strike against any moon-dwellers who may be considering using weapons of mass destruction against the U.S.
But just how deep did this conspiracy go? We asked Diggler for confirmation of his part in the cover-up, but he refused to reveal his source - codenamed 'deep throat IX' - or for that matter cast any light on his own involvement.
In the search for answers, we contacted former U.S. Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, however in a bizarre case of crossed phone lines, ended up talking to former Australian Prime Minister John Howard. "Ah Kerry, no Kerry, no wait, let me explain please Kerry", he began, mistaking us for his former nemesis, ABC interviewer Kerry O'Brien. "Kerry, let me say this", he continued, "Neil Armstrong did come into my office early on in the space program, and I assured him that I would support him going to the moon, provided he took Peter Costello along and left him there. However at no stage, Kerry, did we shake hands and agree on it as a deal, and I was only joking anyway!"
Mr Howard's loyal servant Tony Abbott, who had been busily licking the former PM's wounds, then threw in his two cents worth.
"Look, I may have promised Neil Armstrong's wife during a late night love-fest that I would fully support Neil landing on the moon, but a lot of things get said during these boozy late night sessions. It's quite another thing to look at it in the cold light of day and realise that she certainly did look a lot better at the pub after 12 cans. Come to think of it, I really wish I hadn't fathered her child after all"
Answers were certainly hard to come by, and we were left with the definite impression that this scandal really did reach into the core of our democratic institutions. We can only hope that when Obama finally takes office some light is finally shed on this matter to clear it up once and for all.
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Tony Abbott is the world's greatest sycophant. I actually heard that he appears in Deep Throat X. The plot is as such: Abbott impregnates Labor Cabinet minister Julia Gillard, but struggles with his secret shame that, during coitus, he was thinking solely about John Howard. Abbott, a pro-life supporter, frets about how he could possibly raise a inter-political baby in these conservative times. With a Labor mother and a Liberal father, the baby hasn't a chance in hell.
It is left to Dirk Diggler to raise the baby. That baby grows up to become a ABC sound recordist/porn star/barren woman/Democrats revivalist.