damianpart 1: birth
July 4th 2008 04:44
There are few more awkward or sensitive things in life than trying to pre-emptively congratulate someone on becoming pregnant. Pretty Much whichever way you go with it, there is the possibility of a monumental stuff-up. For example, if you are the type of person not generally renowned for your tact and ask her straight up if she "has a bun in the oven" , you'll feel like a bit of a goose when she breaks down in tears and admits she's resorted to finding comfort in chocolate cake and muffins since her beautiful dog Puggles died tragically last month.
The more adventurous type may try and convince her that "no, she must be mistaken, that's definitely a baby belly... perhaps you should see a doctor and get it checked out to make sure?"
Yes, it's a blatant lie and will only serve to compound her misery, but at least by the time she gets the negative test result back you will be out of striking distance and be living in Argentina under an assumed name.
Of course, your attempts to persuade her to see a doctor will be somewhat futile in the face of her confession that she has found it impossible to be intimate with a man since her boyfriend broke off their engagement five years ago after admitting to an affair with her sister and then went on to marry her best friend. Can't win 'em all, i guess.
You could on the other hand say nothing - just don't come crying to me when she has removed you as a friend on facebook and blacklisted you from all future social occasions because you failed to notice that your best friend of 15 years was about to have a baby!
There is really only one way to get yourself out of this situation and that is to leave yourself a get-out-clause. Typically this would entail greeting her with "oh my gosh, you're..." and at this critical moment you pause for a split second to gauge her reaction. If you see her hand starting to curl up into a fist and her eyes starting to narrow, chances are you'll finish the sentence with something like "...looking fantastic".
Trouble is, if she has quite obviously carrying a couple of spare tyres around the waist, there's no way she's going to buy this line. She's fat and she knows it. And you, my friend have in your obvious insincerity passed judgment on this fact.
Considered dental insurance lately?
The more adventurous type may try and convince her that "no, she must be mistaken, that's definitely a baby belly... perhaps you should see a doctor and get it checked out to make sure?"
Of course, your attempts to persuade her to see a doctor will be somewhat futile in the face of her confession that she has found it impossible to be intimate with a man since her boyfriend broke off their engagement five years ago after admitting to an affair with her sister and then went on to marry her best friend. Can't win 'em all, i guess.
You could on the other hand say nothing - just don't come crying to me when she has removed you as a friend on facebook and blacklisted you from all future social occasions because you failed to notice that your best friend of 15 years was about to have a baby!
There is really only one way to get yourself out of this situation and that is to leave yourself a get-out-clause. Typically this would entail greeting her with "oh my gosh, you're..." and at this critical moment you pause for a split second to gauge her reaction. If you see her hand starting to curl up into a fist and her eyes starting to narrow, chances are you'll finish the sentence with something like "...looking fantastic".
Trouble is, if she has quite obviously carrying a couple of spare tyres around the waist, there's no way she's going to buy this line. She's fat and she knows it. And you, my friend have in your obvious insincerity passed judgment on this fact.
Considered dental insurance lately?
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