damianPope Benedict's easter message in review
April 4th 2010 13:06
"I know nothing...nooothing!"
Pope Benedict largely avoided controversy in this year's easter message, apart from four 'c$%#s', one clitoris and the fact that he was wearing a large set of inflatable breasts.
While the Pope's use of colourful language surprised few seasoned veterans of the Vatican press gallery, it was his bizzarre dress sense that really set tongues wagging. However, it must be noted that the Pope very quickly restored order by calling in his security detail who dragged the guilty culprit away by said tongue. Moreover, Benedict continued to publicly chastise the offender, saying this was no example to set for impressionable young choir boys. Breasts, after all, were the work of the devil, he intoned as he politely declined media requests to turn a little to the left and pout.
Later in the message, his Holiness responded to claims by Kevin Rudd that he was a 'redneck', saying that Kevin Rudd was very good at seeing the speck in someone elses eye, but not as accomplished at finding the illegal log in his own. After moving the audience to tears with this analogy, he waited patiently until they had wiped all woody materials from their eyes before embarking on a passionate defence of the endangered Orang-Utan.
He fondly recounted countless hours spent in the company of Jane Goodall, but stressed that never once did he look at her breasts, sumptuous as they were.
The Holy Father finished his address by putting the postcode in the little squares in the corner and popping it in the postbox, but not after a fight with his cardinals over whether it should be put through the slot or the handle pulled down.
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